Wanting to fly...but scared to try

Childhood so fantastically screws each & every one of us...for life. Or so it seems. And for me the moments that come back &mess with me are not the the big ones..the epic highs or dramatic lows but quiet moments; seemingly insignificant moments that burrow into your psyche and unconsciously establish your sense of self. The presidential physical fitness challenge is one of those such moments haunts me to this day. For those who missed out on it, the presidential physical fitness challenge was a standardized fitness test they did at school that measured your developing strength, speed etc. It included things like sit-ups, push-ups and shuttle runs. Seems harmless enough.  
I must have been 12 or 13 years old.  The task looked unbelievably hard yet I watched as person after person stood before me readily holding the bar in front of them overhand grip, with elbows bent.  The challenge was to see how long you could hold yourself up in this pull-up position without letting your chin fall below the bar or dropping your arms.  I thought it looked hard.  Everyone was doing it for at least 30 seconds.  Maybe it wasn't that hard.  I was after Marissa Scopa; blond, bubbly, tiny, popular, a cheerleader.  She held on for over a minute and 30 seconds.  Everyone was impressed.  I was supposed to follow that performance; nerdy, chubby, weak, me.  I climbed up, held onto the bar and attempted my best flexed arm hang.  It didn't last very long.  Actually, it didn't last at  all.  To add insult to injury; Marissa (I'm-freaking-part-monkey) Scopa was holding the stop watch.  
 "um...what was that? 1 second"

The gym teacher allowed me a 2nd attempt.  I mustered all the mental & physical strength I had.  I was prepared now.  The 1st time didn't count.  I hadn't known what to expect.  I had wisdom on my side now.  But little else. Again, I dropped immediately...like an anchor.  And so my time was recorded, graciously, at 1 second.   

Although that moment was over 20 years ago; I felt the exact same way today when I encountered the flying trapeze at the Extreme Hotel in Cabarete.  Yup, Extreme Hotel; offering a skate park and circus grounds right next to the pool.  The girls I was traveling with were acquaintances at best.  We didn't hang in the same circle but had some of the same friends.  They had been nothing but nice and kind to me; allowing me to stay with them and become part of their group.  The guys working the trapeze had offered a free try to one of them.  So now, there was a chasm between us.  They were the Marissa Scopa's of the world and I was..well..I was still the 13 year old version of me.  I watched as they, one by one, put on the harness belt; climbed up the ladder; got in position and let go.  I watched as they each went flying through the air; holding onto the bar as they swung gracefully back & forth before dropping into the net below, walking to the edge and somersaulting over and out of the trapeze net.  It looked like a piece of cake when they did it.  I knew better.  Everyone thought I wasn't doing it because I was scared of heights but that wasn't  what I was scared of.  I was scared of being in yet another situation where I was the fat girl who couldn't do that thing everyone else did.     
 I am always acutely aware of being the biggest girl in the room.  That is how I see myself.  It happens immediately; automatically.  It doesn't seem negative.  It's just a objective ordered practice.  But it affects me negatively.  I boil my self worth down to a number on a scale.  And it always keeps me from doing things.  Taking my cover-up off at the beach or flirting with the guy at the bar or trying my hand at the flying trapeze.  This trip is supposed to be about trying to break free from those things that are keeping me down.  And the way I see myself in relation to others is not serving me at all.  There are so many other ways to see myself outside of pure body mass.  Why not compare intellect, or wit, or ability to stand on 1 leg?  Or how about not comparing at all?  How about just being?  Each one of us is forever destined to be larger or thinner than someone else; taller or shorter; smarter or dumber, but you are always going to be you in the world.  Why not connect instead of compare?  That's where the work is.  Who knows, I may revisit the trapeze elsewhere along my travels and the next time I will climb up, hold on and most importantly...let go.