Reverb11 Day 31 Fiesta (celebration)

What are you celebrating today? What will you celebrate in 2012?

Today I am celebrating making it through this month of blogging.  I may not have always been timely but there is always a festive mood when you complete a goal.  I put myself out there in a way I have not in quite some time.  This project of writing and publishing my thoughts and hopes and fears about the year that has passed and the one that has yet to arrive; it was emotional.  It's one thing to look back and reflect or to look forward and set goals; it's another to share it & I have tried to do so honestly.  Sometimes I edited but sometimes I hit publish before I had to time to think it.  
I'm celebrating getting through the tough times this year.  I'm celebrating the highs.  I'm celebrating the fruition of some things that I have been working on for a long time.  I'm celebrating my growth and celebrating my failures too.  What will I celebrate in 2012?  God, who knows!  I don't know that I could have predicted the twists and turns of this year in Dec. 2010 so I am wise enough not to make predictions now.  I only hope that I keep turning my attention to those things which bring me joy and continue to part with those things that are no longer useful to me.

Reverb11 Day 30 Karuna (Compassion)

Here at Yoga Freedom, our motto is “compassion + action.” What compassionate actions do you aspire to in the coming twelve months?

Whenever you start exploring spirituality, whatever path you choose, compassion always appears as a central tenet.  The yogic path is no exception, speaking of compassion regularly.  I have been thinking a lot about it lately; having compassion for myself and others.  I have found that when I struggle with my life instead of accepting what is, I become quick to judge and harbor resentment; first for others and then I start feeling bad about that and turn that judgement inward.  Whether it is snapping at an incompetent waitress or shutting down at work or purposely ignoring someone who is trying to reach out to me, it becomes a vicious cycle.  One that serves to separate me from the world around me rather than connect me to it.  And that is an integral component of compassion.  It connects you to those around you by not only recognizing their experience but spurring action.  You see when you have compassion, it is not enough to simply to understand or sympathize with someone else's suffering but to foster a desire to alleviate it.  
My desire is to have compassion be a focus of my life in 2012.  And as with everything, I will start with myself and try to have compassion when I encounter my perceived shortcomings.  If I can give myself a break when I make an error or hurt someone else, then I will be better able to extend that same break to someone else.  The biggest hurdle is to have compassion for someone who is causing you pain or has hurt you in the past.  I recently learned about "non-violent communication".  The guy who invented it Marshall B. Rosenberg, is kind of amazing.  Listening to him speak was a life changer.  He has gone into war-torn countries, fortune 500 companies and tribal communities and diffused situations by just using loving compassionate words.  He said something that struck me.  
"All perceived insults and criticisms are just a tragic expression of an unmet need."  Isn't that beautiful?  When you truly sit with it and have that has a core belief, you can start to see all negativity as cries for help and from that place, compassion can arise.  I'm certainly no expert.  Not even close.  But maybe in 2012 I will only ever try to hear "please" when negative people or situations enter my world and try to respond with "how can I help".

Reverb11 Day 29 Poesia (poetry)

Write a poem. It doesn’t have to rhyme.

"Write a poem it doesn't have to rhyme
Write a song it doesn't have to be in time
All it takes is a moment of stillness
A moment of realness
To look inside and see beyond
Sing from your heart 
Write from your wisdom
Share from your soul
Let love be your anthem"

Reverb11 DAY 28 Agradecimiento (Gratitude)

What eleven things were you most grateful for in 2011?


1. My friends- both old & new who showed up for me when I needed.
2. My parents- it's been a long road but 2011 was a new chapter for us.
3. A working healthy body- I am often negative about my body but it works and it has   taken me to great places and I know it has not even reached it's full potential.
4. The sky in Provo- the sunrises, sunsets, starlight, the billowy clouds.  
5. My work- as much as I bitch I have gainful & steady employment at a time when many are not as lucky.
6. Music.  
7.  My Dog...he may no longer be with me but he helped me through some lonely times and shared some happy ones.
8. The perks of my job, like free core fusion/yoga classes.
9. The ability to travel.
10. Recognizing I have lots of love in my life.
11. This life and the small growing recognition that I am connected to everything and everyone in it...

Reverb11 DAY 27 Metta (lovingkindness)

The metta mantras are: 

“May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free from suffering.”

a

To whom do you wish to send metta? (Don’t forget to send it to yourself, too!)

Thank you to everyone who has been reading this! I send mega-metta your way and to everyone who has crossed my path in 2011.  In thought, in word, in action, you have all had an effect on me...

mwah!

Reverb11 DAY 26th Seva (service)

How did you serve in 2011? Do you plan to volunteer in 2012?

When I was a kid a was always looking for opportunities to serve.  At church, I was an altar server.  At school I was in the key club; president of the key club to be exact.   In the community, I was a Girl Scout, always doing service projects.  I organized a Christmas Chorale concert with the members of an Elderly Day Care Center and won the highest award in scouting for it.  I gave blood, gave money, gave time.  I can't remember the last time I really did service for an organized group.  I always say, I want to, I'm going to and then the time passes.  The event is over, the goods have been collected, the money has been counted.  

I have so much...this is certainly something I should connect with again in 2012. 

Reverb11 DAY 25 Milagro (wonder)

Illustrate your own personal wonderland — real or imagined. What’s the weather like? Who else is there with you? Use vivid detail.

My own personal wonderland...well honestly it keeps changing.  Had you asked me at 21 when I first moved to New York City; I would have told you that it was the realization of my own personal wonderland.  Had you asked me a couple of years ago when I first moved down to the Caribbean; I would have told you that island life was my personal wonderland.  As 2011 winds down, when I think of what I would want in a personal wonderland; its changed yet again.  This year, more than ever, I found myself missing the seasons.  Not just the experience of the different weather but also how the change of seasons changes you.  My school days might be long over but fall always brings me back to those days when I was starting a new grade and thinking about my hopes for the new school year and planning my first day of school outfit.  As an adult, whenever I started feeling the crisp in the air, the leaves change, I still felt that giddyness.  I miss the cold sunny days of winter; the bustle of movement in the city as the holidays approach, hot chocolate with peppermint & whipped cream, sitting in a coffee shop as it snows outside.  I miss the optimism and freshness and cleaning of my inner and outer space that comes with the spring and the flowers and the gentle rains.  I know I am probably romanticizing it but..hey it's a wonderland!  My wonderland would be filled with the people who are far away from me, friends, family even those I have had a falling out with would be there.  My wonderland would be filled with abundance of food and books and music and art and anything that you could get creative with.  And I would work and serve and it would never seem labored.  And I would have time and energy for anything and everything I ever wanted to do...well that is definitely an imagined wonderland!

Reverb11 DAY 24 Regalo (gift)

What was the most cherished gift you received this year? What were the most thoughtful gifts you What was the most cherished gift you received this year? What were the most thoughtful gifts you gave?

a

For it is in giving that we receive. ~Saint Francis of Assisi

I gave myself the gift of time this year.  As I stated in a previous post, I have traditionally been a workhorse so the ability to take 5 weeks off this summer for myself was truly the greatest gift I was given.  And that was time well spent.  I feel the experience changed me or is changing me and when I look back I will see it as the first step in a new path, a changed direction in my life.  I was given other gifts special gifts this year, things and time and words that touched me.
I have always seen myself as a very giving person; always willing to give time, money, goods, services, whatever is needed whenever it is needed.  But this year I began to notice that my giving was not unconditional and that I secretly harbored a score card of when I did nice things for people and whether or not I was thanked or compensated in any other (non monetary) ways.  So that is going to be part of my work in 2012; to give freely and whole-heartedly.  

Lord, make me an channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Master, grant that I may never seek
so much to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love with all my soul.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life
                                                                         ~Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Reverb11 DAY 23 Karma (action)

Actions speak louder than words. What daily actions will you take this year? How will you begin your January mornings?

Daily morning actions...I have been cultivating a daily morning routine since I came back from my yoga course. There I learned some simple "kriyas" or cleansing techniques. Tongue scraping, Neti pot and eye wash. It was weird at first but at the end of that 15-20 min, I found myself refreshed, fully awake & alert. And there is something about the ritual of it; of not having to think as you first wake up. I've added to the routine by starting the day with 2 glasses of room temp water with half a lemon squeezed inside. Then some green tea. It's a great detox.  On really good days, I am motivated enough to do some yoga or meditation or some running. That is what I want to work on in 2012. I really want to establish a home yoga & meditation practice or at the very least get up and get to a class most days. It always makes me feel so good for the rest of the day if I've started it with some physical activity but I find I do it in spurts. I'm in the zone for a week or two then I fall off the wagon.  Why is it hard to do things that are good for us and even make us feel good?  Life long habits are a bitch to break...

Reverb11 Day 22 Sukkha (sweetness)

Where did you encounter sweetness in 2011?


A little background on Sukha from the blog "Buddha Ways":
-If we want to have a closer look at the concept of Sukha (happiness) then it might be useful to look at the original meaning of the word. It consists of two syllables: sû = good, well being, and khâ = hole of the axle.(1) In a functioning hole of the axle the hub of a chariot moves smoothly and the horses can pull the chariot with high speed and without hindrances. Therefore the word sûkhâ originally means unhindred flow and not only happiness as it is mostly translated nowadays.

I love that concept, "unhindered flow".  There is something about the concept of happiness that feels unrealistic and unattainable.  Life has an ebb & flow, ups & downs, misery and sweetness.  You can't always be happy but you can always try to move through life with unhindered flow.  That ease can make the space for happiness to appear more frequently.  Thankfully, 2011 was filled with as many sweet moments as sour.  The sweet moments always seemed simple and quiet, perhaps that is why they were overshadowed by the pain and anguish of the sour ones.  But there was a time in 2011 when my focus was on the sweet.  A friend of mine wanted to start a gratitude journal but instead of a journal she asked if I would like to start emailing her, everyday, 3 things I was grateful for that day.  And she would email me in return.  Why not? I thought at the very least, I would be more connected to my friend; like when you receive a random chain letter where you have to list your favorite book; favorite cocktail, one place you want to see before you die.  No matter how well you know the person who sends it; there is always one answer that surprises you and makes you look at the sender in a different way.  And so we started and as all things, by the end of the month, it fizzled.  Probably my fault.  But it was such a sweet time.  Because I knew I had to find 3 three things I was grateful for; I approached even the worst of days with a positive attitude.  And isn't that really how life remains sweet?  By finding the good, the positive in the midst of your most cranky, bothersome days?
   Here is a the song "sweetness" by Jimmy eat world.  Surely has nothing to do with the above post but I heart this song and it makes me happy!

Reverb11 DAY 21 Dukkha (misery)

What was the low point of your year? How did you heal and move forward?

The following is reprinted from an article in elephantjournal.com:

"Light is meaningful only in relation to darkness, and truth presupposes error. It is these mingled opposites which people our life, which make it pungent, intoxicating. We only exist in terms of this conflict, in the zone where black and white clash. ~Louis Aragon

Dukkha is a Pali term that the Buddha used. It roughly corresponds to the English words for real bad stuff including but not limited to: suffering, pain, discontent, sorrow, affliction, social alienation, anxiety, dissatisfaction, discomfort and frustration." 

 http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/12/dukkha-and-sukha/

I had some real bad stuff happen this year.  Stuff that put my previous low point of "job frustration" completely in perspective.   The low point of my year was 1 week in particular.  Sunday, October 31st, Halloween night.  I was on the couch when a crazy man (literally) broke into my apartment by throwing a heavy shell through my sliding glass door.  As bad as that moment was; staring into the eyes of a stranger standing in front of you in the middle of your own living room surrounded by shattered glass, I counted myself lucky.  I was lucky to have escaped.  I was lucky to be alive.  I was lucky the police caught the guy.  I was lucky his brand of "crazy" wasn't violent; at least not this time.  That week was awful.  I was uneasy, unsteady, scared.  No place of my own; no way to get around as my car was in the shop.  Slowly I accepted my new reality and tried to get the pieces of my life back together.  Found a new place, rented a car, ready to move forward.  And then that Friday as I stood in line getting my electricity hooked up in the new apartment, the dearest and most wonderful thing in my life, my little dog Bronx ran out into the street and got hit by a car.  He must have been feeling discombobulated as well.  He was usually so good.  Was he trying to find home? was he trying to run after me?  I will never know.   I just remember blinking wildly and repeating to the friends who had broken the news to me.  It's real?  That's really true?  Really?  That's really true?  Then I had to bury him.  Then I had to finish packing up my old apartment and go about my day and go to work the next day and eat and sleep and do all the ordinary things a person does and continues to do..even in the most extraordinary circumstances.  Everything in my life changed that week.  The course of my life will now have a big dark line delineating "me" before that week and "me" after that week.  I continue to feel the aftershocks  but I am also aware that the pain and trauma has broken open a space in me, in my life.  For what?  I don't know.  But like in the quote above, I know that sometime in the future I will be staring into the light that will put this whole experience into perspective and I will smile and dedicate it to Bronxy...

Reverb11 DAY 20 Tapas (heat)

What stoked your creative fire this year? What did your discipline enable you to achieve and/or create?


2011 turned out to be a year in which I did some small things that had a deep effect on me and allowed me to reconnect with my creative passion-singing.  Three musical high points come to mind. The first happened right at the start of 2011.  I happened to find out that an arts group on island was organizing a fundraiser; a night of love songs scheduled around Valentine's day.  I asked to be a part of it and it was amazing.  Not just the night itself but the path to that night.  Picking material, rehearsing, improvising, working with other artists; I can't remember the last time I did any of that.  I realized how much I missed having an outlet for that.  The random karaoke nights and singing in my living room are not the same as working toward something as an artist.  Making a career out of singing and acting?  I tried it.  I wasn't successful.  The "business" of it took over as I was pounding the pavement and the art took a backseat.  But if I am honest with myself, there is a part of me that is unfulfilled without singing as part of my life.  
That's why I took another opportunity that presented itself a couple of months later and helped a friend with a radio show.  She was looking for local artists to reinterpret indie songs.  Well, during one of those aforementioned karaoke sessions in my living room,  I decided to record myself on my computer.  No fancy equipment.  No practice.  No thought.  No second guessing.  Just did it and hit send.  I immediately regretted it.  But my friend wouldn't let me take it back.   And she still hasn't let go; recently making a video and posting my version on her you tube channel.  It makes me uncomfortable, self-conscious and happily giddy.  
The last thing I did this year to feed my musical soul happened at the end of my course in Mexico.  We had a graduation ceremony after completing our month long yoga and we were invited to share our experience with the group in any way we wanted.  The more creative; the better.  So I sang.  Got back to my roots and sang a song from a musical about how things  & people change you and the course of your life.  Who can say if it's for better or worse but it is for good.  It was fitting of my experience in Mexico and I remember shaking as I stood in front of the group.  The hardest thing is to sing fully, with my true voice in an intimate space with a small group of people.  At least when you are on stage there is distance, darkness, space.  But I did it and something beautiful happened.  People were moved; people were touched; hearts were open.  That is what I love about being creative and singing.  The effect it can have on a person, place, experience.  To be a part of that; to be a portal for that kind of connecting is the gift given by music.    

Reverb11 DAY 19 Drishti (seeing)

What is your vision for your spiritual practice in 2012? How do you see yourself achieving it?

After a bit of a hiatus, I refocused my energies to my spiritual practice in 2011. My hope for 2012 is to continue on that path. Focus on really solidifying a daily practice and incorporating my beliefs into my daily life. I would really like everything I do to reflect my core values. Travel. I would like to do more travel. And like any cliche yogi...maybe I will make my way to India on my next sojourn.

Reverb11 DAY 18 Amistad (friendship)

Describe your best friend(s) from elementary school, high school, college, and/or the present.

My best friend from college is one of the most amazing people I have ever met and continues to inspire and shape my life today as much as she did 16 years ago when she discovered me trying to make myself invisible by hiding under a table. To this day she pushes me into the light every time I get the urge to hide. It's really something miraculous that we have maintained the same level of closeness for that length of time. She has definitively grown and changed from the brazen, outspoken, rebel she projected in college. I'd like to think I changed some too. We often joked about being lil' ole ladies reminiscing on our rocking chairs together...after all this time, I believe it will come to pass.

I almost feel it is an insult to refer to these special people as "friends", family is more accurate. I have a group of 3 girlfriends. One was my best friend throughout junior high & high school. She transferred from another state. She was nice, pretty & instantly popular and somehow we got very close. I kept bracing myself for the moment she would figure out I wasn't popular and stop hanging out with me; but she never did. The other 2 in my family have known me since I was 10yrs old. They KNOW me. They probably know things about me that even I don't know. And they definitely know things about me that I'd rather forget. 
These are people who would drop everything if I needed them and havin even just one feels like an embarrassment of riches. The thing is, there are many others with special places in my heart and for that I feel truly blessed.