and underneath that ...
What did you let go of this year? Whom did you let go?
Well...naturally, I can only think of Bronxy...it has been just over a month and still daily there are moments when I think of him and the hole in my heart grows so big, I think it might just swallow me whole. Today, I spent the morning in bed and had a lazy time getting ready. I left my apartment just after 10am and as I was walking down the stairs it hit me, "I don't have a dog." "I cannot say I am a dog owner." "I used to have a dog."
Bronx let go of his physical body, of this worldly life, but have I let go of him? When I forget or (god forbid) enjoy the space his death has left behind; my mind forcefully brings it to the forefront and I replay the events of that morning in detail...and I breathe....and it passes. Maybe I haven't let go of Bronx...getting over a broken heart is a process. What I have let go of is the guilt; the dwelling; the obsessing over all the possible what-ifs; the dark spiral that has kept me twisting and turning and holding on to so many things in my past. The pain is still there; the sadness; the yearning. But I try to just say hello to it and let it go on its way. It won't bring Bronx back. It won't change what is. And that is the essence of letting go - acceptance.
love you.
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