Reverb11 DAY4 - Guru (Teacher)

What was the most important lesson you learned about yourself in 2011? Was it a sudden epiphany or a gradual realization?



Trust your instincts...there is nothing wrong with you...you will NOT apologize!

As 2011 rolled in, I remember looking at the year ahead and thinking, "I can't do this.  I am physically and mentally going to break down."  I was referring to my life...well...really my job...but somehow my job had slowly been consuming my life until there was nothing left of me but work.home.sleep.and repeat. Or so it seemed.  My job had been imperfect from Day 1 but it was an adventure and I was up for the challenge and hey, how bad could it be; I'm in the Caribbean after all!   It got bad. I was unhappy.  More than unhappy.  I felt stuck.  I feared I would blink and realize 10 years had passed by and I would be in the same miserable position.  I convinced myself I was the problem.  You create your own reality ergo; if I am miserable; that's me.  It's not my boss or my coworkers or my job that needs to change.  It's me.  But I couldn't change it; no matter how I tried.  I only made it worse.  I had built up so much resentment that I became oppressive and hostile and pessimistic.  And worst of all, I realized it was happening but was powerless to stop it.  I was just reacting all the time to everything.  And then, my best friend from college came to visit me in May and called me out on it.  I was devastated, hurt, angry.  Mostly because she was absolutely right.  What was wrong with me?  Why did noone listen to me, respect me, understand me?  Why could I not be happy in one of the most beautiful places on earth!  I needed a Sabbatical.  I had become obsessed a few months earlier with going on retreat; taking off for the middle of nowhere and just working on myself.  So that's exactly what I did.  And the minute I left the island and landed in Mexico I realized; there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  It wasn't a sudden epiphany or a gradual realization; it just was.  And yes, I still believe that you create your own reality but I was going about it all wrong.  You can't DO anything or THINK anything or FEEL anything to change your reality.  The only way to change perspective is to allow for some space.  It's like standing super close to a Monet; all you see are splotches of paint.  But just give yourself some space and.....  


Voila!

you've just uncovered a masterpiece! 


So that's my lesson learned.  When I start feeling like I don't fit; if life or people or thoughts start closing in and restricting me; I won't push back or try to scrunch myself up in order to fit in but rather make some space.  If I take a step back from myself who knows what I will see from a different angle.