Reverb11 DAY 17 Bhakti (Devotion)

What did you devote yourself to in 2011? How will you devote your energy in the coming year? 

I came down to the Turks & Caicos for a job back in early 2009.  The first 6months was a whirlwind; being the new kid on island; being a part of the adventure of a big hotel opening; adjusting and learning and having new experiences.  By 2010, I was fully devoting myself to my job; feeling responsible for holding everything together and pushing it forward.  By 2011; having given everything and more to work, I was exhausted.  And so I didn't consciously devote myself to anything this year.  For the first half of 2011, I was in survival mode.  The latter part of 2011, I devoted myself to the concept of devotion, perhaps.  What is important to me in this world?  What can I get passionate about that will feed me and not drain me?  How do I even decide what or who to devote myself to?  
If I am being honest, much of 2011 was spent devoting my time, my energy, my heart, my soul to someone who was there but not necessarily interested in devoting himself to me in the same way.  I think I am still understanding my concept of devotion to another.  I have always been someone who dives in headfirst.  In my experience; finding someone you connect with intimately (and I'm not talking sex here), is rare and when I get a taste of it, I don't hesitate.  I jump in with both feet and don't look back.  When I find that connection I become devout and loyal to a biblical extreme.  No wonder I can't seem to find an object able to reciprocate.  It's beautiful and passionate but also unrealistic and unhealthy.  Devotion demands that the object of devotion is elevated to God-like stature.  I'm not sure that ever works out whether your devotion lies in a person, place or thing.  Perhaps devotion only works conceptually when directed at something abstract rather than concrete.  And so my wish for 2011 is rather than be devoted to a person, I shall devote myself to love in all forms.  Rather than devote myself to work, I shall devote myself to service.  Rather than devote myself to having adventure, I shall devote myself to cultivating experiences.

Reverb11 DAY 16 Viaje (Travel)

Where did you travel this year? What was your best trip?

Near… far… or wherever you roamed from home, how was your journey spent in 2011? What new places did you explore? What familiar favorites did you haunt?

This year I explored a little more of my home than ever before...I took a couple of day trips out to North & Middle Caicos; first when my parents came to visit and then when my best friend made the trek from San Francisco.  

I also took a mid-week vacay to Grand Turk by myself.  I rented a bike and explored the island by day and sat at a bar, drinking beer, eating conch fritters and watching the sun set by night.  

Went back to Jamaica in September for the first time since moving to Provo.  It was a short but sweet 4 days to visit a friend filled with lounging on beach chairs and gorging myself with festival. 

Of course my year was most definitely marked by my 5 week trip to Mexico.  There is something about going to a place and putting down roots.  It's a different way to travel, to explore by actually living in a place; becoming friendly with the girl who runs the fruit stand; having the waiter know exactly what drink you like to order; seeing the ebb and flow of daily life in a place week after week.    

Reverb11 DAY 15 Acharya (Scholar)

What did you study this year? What did you learn? What did you teach?

I am sure anyone who has been following me or this blog thinks they know what I am going to write this post about.  One of the highlights of the past year for me was my trip to Mexico on a yoga and meditation retreat so of course the biggest thing I studied this year was yoga & meditation, right?  Well, not exactly.  Yoga and meditation is a portal to studying yourself really.  So when I look back on the year, I think the thing that I tried to study most was myself, my true essence and dare I sound too grandiose; the true essence of all life and the connection between what I identify as myself and what I identify as other or outside of myself.  I don't know what I learned from my studies; maybe it's too early to tell.  I learned that I miss learning and that I'd like to do more so I am continuing on the path as best I can.  I don't know what I taught this year and I'm not sure I am qualified to teach anything but I am trying to share more and in that way maybe I have taught "by accident".

Reverb11 DAY 14 Jnana (self-knowledge)

Name something you did that was completely out of character. How did it feel?

Taking a 5 week vacation was completely out of character for me.  I have always been a workhorse.  I remember my friend confronting me about it because whenever she came and visited me in NY, I would always try to sandwich her visit into my schedule saying, "I only have 2 days off"; "I really can't afford to take the weekend off, They really need me" and any number of other seemingly important reasons.  You see, I come from a family of immigrants and blue collar workers.  People who believed the way to get ahead was to work more, work harder.  And they did.  And it was.  My parents bought a home, cars, put three children through school and are still trying to help us out from time to time.  And although my father is technically retired and was told to take it easy by his cardiologist after having a heart attack; he still goes to work almost every day at the same job he's had since we moved to the USA 29 yrs ago.  I remember when I was a kid, my father sitting at the kitchen table lecturing me about "diritti e dovere"; "rights and duties".  He explained that all I wanted was my rights; to be free, have fun, hang out with my friends.  But those things did not come automatically and did not come before my duties as a daughter (obeying my parents) and student (studying hard).  Not surprisingly, I did not agree.  Finding happiness was more important.  Expressing your soul's true passion in life was more important.  And yet; as I grew older and started making my own decisions, no matter how much I tried to live an unconventional life; far from the oppressive regimen my parents tried to enforce, I found more and more that their ideals had become my ideals.  Becoming a model worker was just one manifestation of that.  
When I first started thinking about taking over a month off from work; it felt incredibly selfish and indulgent.  But I felt this experience would only improve my quality of life and help me return to my work with a new, fresh perspective.  So I lived with that uncomfortable feeling and just did it.  And it was the best possible decision for me.  I no longer feel like I have to do everything that is asked of me or sacrifice for the good of my job.  Don't get me wrong, I still work hard; but I think I'll be taking every last one of my vacation days this year...mmm...and maybe then some!

Reverb11 DAY 13 Sabio (wisdom)

What lesson or piece of wisdom did you learn from a child this year? Did it surprise you?o


You know, I don't have any children in my day to day life.  I know lots and lots of people having children but I really don't get a chance to interact with them in any real way.  That being said, I don't think you have to in order to learn from them.  Whenever I see a child, I am always struck by them.  Watching a child do anything is really captivating and I always notice the same 2 things.  1) Their intensity.  Children are so focused.  Whether it's on you as they size you up or their hand or a paper bag.  Everything else falls away and they are in the moment.  2) Their emotions.  Kids feel things so fully.  Ever see a kid giggle.  It takes over their entire being.  It's unadulterated joy.  Same with pain.  See a kid cry, maybe over the smallest thing or nothing & it will break your heart because of the depth of emotion expressed.  So that is a lesson I am always re-learning from being around children.  To be totally focused and intensely expressive.  Here's a cute video that went viral this year that I think embodies just that.

Reverb11 DAY 12 Libro (book)

What book did you read in 2011 that was most inspirational? Why?

Oh, this is embarrassing....I'm not even sure I read a book in 2011!  But I do not blame myself; I blame Amazon.  I bought a kindle a couple of years ago thinking it would transform my life.  I have ALWAYS been an avid reader and back in Manhattan, The New York Public Library was my best friend.  That; coupled with the fact that some part of my day was always spent commuting on the subway, made me a voracious reader.  So, here on the island with 1 small library (or so I hear...I've never found it) and 1 expensive bookstore; I decided the Kindle would be my savior.  I bought myself a Kindle; downloaded a bunch of books and...have yet to finish one of them.  There is something about the feel of a book...being able to flip back and forth.  I don't know what it is but I just can't snuggle up with a kindle.  Since I haven't read anything truly inspirational this year, I'll just list some of my all time favorite inspirational books.  Maybe you've read something inspirational this year and want to share it with me?  Maybe it's time to pick up the kindle and try again....


The Giving Tree- Shell Silverstein  It's a classic and ever changing for me.  Loved it when I was a kid.  Then as I got older, I found it depressing and sad actually.  And now, I think it is a truly beautiful story of selflessness; complete and total doing for another. 
The Omnivore's Dilemma - Michael Pollen  So well written. Not preachy. But this book will change your perspective on food forever...whether or not it changes your eating habits...
The Power of Now-Eckhart Tolle  This book truly changed my life.  I have read many other spiritual/self help books on the same subject; "Living in the Moment", but Tolle's story and simple language really spoke to me and still does.  I quote this book ALL the time.
Same kind of different as me- Ron Hall/Denver Moore This is one of those random finds I picked up at the library simply because I loved the title and the look of the cover.  The storytelling concept is interesting and although it was a little preachy, I stuck with it and found myself tearing up at the end.




I'm sure there are many more but these are what popped up off the top of my head.  

Reverb11 DAY 11 Gracias (Thanks)

Appreciation and acknowledgement are corner stones to building trust and deepening relationships. Write a thank you note or poem to someone who impacted your life in 2011.

dinner 'neath the moon
you woo me with homemade soup
and Marlboro Reds


you say "I want you"
let's show up for this moment
shivers run through me


how is it you knew
pie would leave me powerless
to love's sweet embrace

Reverb11 DAY 10 Ananda (Happiness)

A positive frame of mind is a habit. How have you silenced the propaganda factory of negativity with positive thought and behavior in your life in 2011? How has this changed your day-to-day being?

This was the most prominent issue in my life this year.  Sometimes it seems as if this is the core issue of my life period.  My parents were the architects, builders and landlords of the "propaganda factory of negativity" that I have been living in since I was a kid.  They were masters of the artful underhanded slight:

I love that long skirt on you Cris...you know, your legs really aren't suited for anything above the knee.

as well as being adept at the full frontal attack:

Every decision you have made in your life has been the wrong one!

The thing is that they have now softened with time.  They have shut down the factory but I keep showing up for work everyday; turning on the lights; running all the machines.

This year my negativity got to be too much.  It threatened to destroy me.  And it wasn't just the, "I'm not good enough", "Woe is me", Eeyore type of negativity.  It was nasty and mean; wrapped in anger and resentment and jealousy; directed inward & outward in all directions.   So I had to get away...from myself. 
How does one do that?
How can you distance yourself from your actions, words, thoughts, emotions????
The only way I have found is by going behind your actions, behind your words, behind your thoughts; even behind your feelings and finding that deep place where you can make the realization that none of those things is you.  They are just things that arose from your mind and that you have decided to identify as "you". 
The best way to tune into that part of yourself?  In my opinion; I have found it through yoga and meditation.  Those practices are all about finding stillness and letting go. 
When you are struggling in a yoga pose and your mind and body are screaming at you and the teacher is gently instructing you to just breathe and let go and surrender to the pose you think, "who is this crazy lunatic!"  But the first time you witness the same moment out of class?  When your boss, mother, lover, whoever, is in your face about something and you feel the need to respond; to react but instead you just breathe and surrender?  That is a magic moment.  You step outside yourself and realize your frame of mind is completely and totally in your control.  It sounds cliche but you can choose to see whether the glass is "half full" or "half empty". 
I haven't mastered the power of positive thinking.  I still visit the "factory of negativity"; more often than I care to admit but I definitely am no longer calling that place home. 

Reverb11 DAY 9 Listo (resourcefulness)

How resourceful were you in 2011? What new ways could you incorporate resourcefulness into 2012?


I have been "in absentia" for the last couple of days and it's probably because I had a tough time with this question.  So instead of dealing with it; I avoided it.  I guess it's no wonder I don't consider myself resourceful.  So I decided to look up the definition to see if that would spark some inspiration. 

ingenious and enterprising: full of initiative and good at problem-solving

mmm...not so much...did I mention I spent the last 4 days avoiding this question altogether?  I tried again.

(n) the quality of being able to cope with a difficult situation


Now that is totally me.  Some people are the cut & run type, some are the stand up and fight type. Me, I cope.  I deal.  I have never thought of it as resourceful; resilient maybe.  Some situations; however, difficult situations, are not so easy to change.  The only thing to do is cope.  Use internal resourcefulness.  And that I have in spades and have been called upon to use in too many occasions to count.  Maybe for 2012 I should work on definition #1. 

Reveb11 DAY 8 Dharma (path)

Wandering can be good for the over-focused creative. 
How did you wander well this year?


mmm...I'm not really great at wandering.  I feel like my path is normally focused and planned out even when it may seem spontaneous to the outside world.  I guess while I was in Mexico, I had the chance to wander.  I remember going down there with a list of things that I wanted to do, places I wanted to see; all from my extensive research on the area.  I spent the first 2 weeks planning all my free time.  I went white water rafting, went on a boat trip to see dolphins & turtles, spent a day in Puerto Escondido.  Then I cooled my jets.  I began to wander in town, on the beach.  It's nice to while away the day with no particular agenda.  When I venture out into nothingness, I often find that at the end of the day I'm pretty happy with the unexpected trajectory of my wandering. However, it is unsettling to me to walk around with no purpose.  It's kinda scary to just show up and let things happen.  Maybe I should invest in a little more of that in the coming year.

Reverb 2011 DAY 7 Tranquilo (calm)

Sometimes the most beautiful, memorable moments are also the quietest. What quiet, beautiful moment do you recall?

     Again, so interesting that this prompt comes today because I woke up this morning and decided I needed to pick up my meditation practice again.  Before I went to Mexico in August,  I had begun a daily morning meditation practice.  I worked up to 2o minutes of sitting each morning.  I know most people think of meditation as sitting in silence and stillness; no thoughts, but some days those 20 minutes would be the noisiest of the day!  My monkey mind would be banging around and I would just be screaming inside my head, "Hey I'm trying to meditate over here!"  Regardless of whether I sat in stillness or spent my time chasing after my monkey mind; I always had the most beautiful moment immediately following the meditation.  My alarm would go off; I would slowly flutter my eyes open; look out onto the beach and the water in front of me and without fail have that moment (sometimes even 2 or 3) of perfect stillness and contentment.  That moment when you see everything even yourself and your thoughts from a place that feels both deep inside your being and far above you.  It's hard to explain in words but if you've ever experienced it, you know what I'm talking about.  
    When I was thinking about quiet moments, I also thought about those instances where, on the surface, you may have an ordinary exchange with someone or something but internally the moment opens up the world for you.  Those times when nothing is said and everything is understood.  I had my parents visit me for the 1st time this year.  They stayed for a week.  I was nervous.  I've had an extremely tumultuous and strained relationship with my parents.  Whenever I spent anytime with them I would need a day or so to recover.  But nothing happened.  The trip was uneventful.  No big blow-ups.  No snide comments about what a mess my apartment, hair, life was; just a normal visit.  As they were preparing to check out of the hotel, I told my parents I had taken care of their bill.  A small protest ensued.  My Dad tried to shove a roll of bills in my pocket.  My Mother started her familiar symphony of deep frustrating sighs and mumbled under her breath, "That really wasn't necessary, Cristina."
"No but I wanted to do it and it's already been taken care of so that's that."
Then they quieted down.  And sat.  And in that moment of stillness, I heard so much.  "Thank you."  "We're proud of you." "We love you".  Things they would never actually say out loud but I  got the message loud and clear.  I've come to realize you can hear so much in the quiet moments if you just allow yourself to listen in this world and not simply react to it.  For me, that is one of the gifts I get from meditating.  By watching my mind and seeing how it runs around from thought to feeling to idea; I'm learning that you can let thoughts and feelings and ideas come and go.  And it is in the moments following that true insight and connection arises.

Reverb11 DAY 6 Salud (Health)

What did you do for your body’s benefit this year?


Well, today I gave my body 90minutes of pure bliss by getting a much needed and well deserved massage!  I've actually been pretty good about taking care of myself in that way this year.  The biggest thing I did for my body (mind and soul too!) was to go on a 5 week yoga retreat.  I remember learning a couple of warm-up exercises the very first day and thinking...that was tiring! And as you all know by the last day I was standing on my head.  Another great decision I made while I was in Mexico was to become a vegetarian.  Well, it's been just about 3 months since my return and this is a good thought to ponder today as not only did I skip yoga this morning but as I look over my computer at the kitchen table I am faced with the carcass of a bag of pringles, a dove ice cream bar and a liter of sprite.  I also bought a cantaloupe!  But that's still in the fridge...There's a lot of wiggle room in vegetarianism to be unhealthy and indulgent.  Thank you universe for this gentle reminder.  I really do feel so much better when I fill my days with yoga, meditation and real whole foods.  So tomorrow. yoga. 7am. who's with me!
“Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.” ~Buddha

Reverb11 DAY 5 Sueno (Dream)

What was your dream come true in 2011? What is your wildest dream for 2012?


What was my dream come true for 2011?  I feel like a pageant contestant or a political candidate that repeats a question to stall for time...What was my dream come true in 2011?  Well, my dream come true for 2011 was...mmmm.   This is a tough one.  My first reaction was that I didn't have any dreams...wants, desires, yes.  But a dream is bigger than that.  Then as I started thinking about it more; I realized that this is a really scary question for me because it speaks to the heart of everything I want and have ever wanted in my life.  I have had the same dream since I was a teenager.  To be 120 lbs.  To be on Broadway.  To find my soul mate.  That's how my teenage self would have said it.  I thought about putting it more eloquently; more maturely but those dreams are unresolved desires from my youth and as such they are holding on to all of that hormonal angst.  Probably because I've been ignoring them.  Sometimes I'll do something that helps them grow; like "Hopelessly Romantic" a benefit I sang at in February, and I see the potential for those dreams to grow and evolve and become a part of my adult life.  But It doesn't.  I don't let it.  I get scared.  Haven't really figured out why.  Maybe that should be my wildest dream for 2012.  Surely it's not the wildest...wilder than that?  Wildest?  Just Do it.  All of it.  By the end of 2012...I want to be doing 1 handed push-ups in a white bikini center stage at the Shubert Theatre while my boyfriend proposes...wild enough for ya?

Me (as Frenchy) with my fellow Pink Ladies in Everett High Schools legendary 1993 production of Grease!

Reverb11 DAY4 - Guru (Teacher)

What was the most important lesson you learned about yourself in 2011? Was it a sudden epiphany or a gradual realization?



Trust your instincts...there is nothing wrong with you...you will NOT apologize!

As 2011 rolled in, I remember looking at the year ahead and thinking, "I can't do this.  I am physically and mentally going to break down."  I was referring to my life...well...really my job...but somehow my job had slowly been consuming my life until there was nothing left of me but work.home.sleep.and repeat. Or so it seemed.  My job had been imperfect from Day 1 but it was an adventure and I was up for the challenge and hey, how bad could it be; I'm in the Caribbean after all!   It got bad. I was unhappy.  More than unhappy.  I felt stuck.  I feared I would blink and realize 10 years had passed by and I would be in the same miserable position.  I convinced myself I was the problem.  You create your own reality ergo; if I am miserable; that's me.  It's not my boss or my coworkers or my job that needs to change.  It's me.  But I couldn't change it; no matter how I tried.  I only made it worse.  I had built up so much resentment that I became oppressive and hostile and pessimistic.  And worst of all, I realized it was happening but was powerless to stop it.  I was just reacting all the time to everything.  And then, my best friend from college came to visit me in May and called me out on it.  I was devastated, hurt, angry.  Mostly because she was absolutely right.  What was wrong with me?  Why did noone listen to me, respect me, understand me?  Why could I not be happy in one of the most beautiful places on earth!  I needed a Sabbatical.  I had become obsessed a few months earlier with going on retreat; taking off for the middle of nowhere and just working on myself.  So that's exactly what I did.  And the minute I left the island and landed in Mexico I realized; there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  It wasn't a sudden epiphany or a gradual realization; it just was.  And yes, I still believe that you create your own reality but I was going about it all wrong.  You can't DO anything or THINK anything or FEEL anything to change your reality.  The only way to change perspective is to allow for some space.  It's like standing super close to a Monet; all you see are splotches of paint.  But just give yourself some space and.....  


Voila!

you've just uncovered a masterpiece! 


So that's my lesson learned.  When I start feeling like I don't fit; if life or people or thoughts start closing in and restricting me; I won't push back or try to scrunch myself up in order to fit in but rather make some space.  If I take a step back from myself who knows what I will see from a different angle.

Reverb11 - Day 3 Anicca (Impermanence)

Wow...when I went on the yoga freedom website to view today's prompt, here is what I saw...

and underneath that ...

What did you let go of this year? Whom did you let go?

Well...naturally, I can only think of Bronxy...it has been just over a month and still daily there are moments when I think of him and the hole in my heart grows so big, I think it might just swallow me whole.  Today, I spent the morning in bed and had a lazy time getting ready.  I left my apartment just after 10am and as I was walking down the stairs it hit me, "I don't have a dog."  "I cannot say I am a dog owner." "I used to have a dog."  

Bronx let go of his physical body, of this worldly life, but have I let go of him?  When I forget or (god forbid) enjoy the space his death has left behind; my mind forcefully brings it to the forefront and I replay the events of that morning in detail...and I breathe....and it passes.  Maybe I haven't let go of Bronx...getting over a broken heart is a process.  What I have let go of is the guilt; the dwelling; the obsessing over all the possible what-ifs; the dark spiral that has kept me twisting and turning and holding on to so many things in my past.  The pain is still there; the sadness; the yearning.  But I try to just say hello to it and let it go on its way.  It won't bring Bronx back.  It won't change what is.  And that is the essence of letting go - acceptance.  

Reverb 2011 DAY 2 Sangha (tribe)

Where have you discovered community in 2011? What are the defining characteristics and essential qualities of your tribe?

My tribe here is small and compact but kicks-ass. A lot of my tribe disbanded in 2011. Many probably were unaware that they were part of my tribe and others I came to realize were a more important part than I thought. My tribe is unique in that it is nomadic, spread throughout the world and most are probably members of my tribe but not each others. In 2011, I realized that I took my tribe here on Turks for granted and assumed they would always be there. Well, I saw a lot of really cool people leave the island this year and I was left with the nagging thought that I had not spent enough time with them while I had the chance. Well, I can't believe I'm saying this but, "Thank God for Facebook!"

This year I've also been thinking a lot about my family and friends back home in Boston where I grew up. My parents are getting older and are now retired; my cousin is off to College(!); my friends are now all married and having babies of their own. I feel like I am missing the important little moments that can't be filled by emails and status updates and skype chats. Not that I am very good at staying in touch by those means either. But one of the true blessings of my tribe is that they are deeply generous and truly accepting. I feel lots of guilt surrounding the fact that I just have not been great at keeping in touch with those I love who are far away. But I also know that the minute I get on the phone or step off the plane or whatever; it will be as if no time has passed. That is the true heart of family for me. That is the expression of unconditional love I feel from my tribe. They understand me and love me through my limitations and ups and downs. I am in their hearts and they are in mine.

Reverb 2011 DAY 1

So I came across this initiative on one of the yoga blogs I read and I thought it was a really great idea...REVERB is a way to reflect on the past year and prepare for the year to come. Basically there is a thought or question posed every day that you sit down and write about be it 1 sentence; 1 paragraph or more. Usually I look at things like this and say to myself, "Hey, that's a really cool idea. I should do that!" and that's about as far as I get in the process...So this time, I am going to stay motivated by sharing and posting my day's journaling for all to see. If you wanna join in...please the more the merrier! Just click on the link above for the deets.

DAY 1- Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

Shift...that's the first word that came to mind for me. I immediately wanted to change it but I have found that your first instinct is usually spot on so upon reflection I thought, "Ya, that fits." This past year my life has shifted in small and not so small ways; there has been a shift in a good number of deeply held beliefs I've carried with me. The beginning of 2011 saw a shift in my career (sort-of). I took on a lot more responsibility and started dipping my toes into management; something I never thought I would want to do. After all, I got into massage in order to get away from sitting behind a desk, computers, meetings and all that B.S. I also shifted from being a passenger to being a driver and for those who have known me for quite some time...that may be the biggest shift of all. I shifted my idea of relationship and commitment when someone came into my life who challenged me and cared for me and infuriated me and excited me and confused me. I lost my home and my dog in one week which was of course another truly seismic shift.

This year I turned myself upside down; literally and figuratively. There was definitely a great shift that took place when I learned to do a headstand this summer while doing yoga in Mexico. It had been a physical and emotional block for me for quite some time. Growing up with weight issues and becoming an adult acutely aware of my shape and size in relation to everyone and everything around me; the concept of standing on my head was both tantalizing and terrifying but always realistically unattainable. Sirsana (headstand pose) is considered one of the most important poses in yoga as it opens Sahasrara, your crown Chakra. This is the highest chakra and when you are able to truly connect your energy to it you will experience Samadhi and ultimately enlightment; union with the universe and all that is. Whether you believe the yoga of it all or not; the fact of the matter is that for me it was a truly life changing shift that took place in those first few wobbly seconds of being upside down. A shift happened. I had accomplished the impossible. The chunky weak girl with limitations was replaced by a strong agile floating yoga fairy. And while I haven't perfected handstand or much less any other yoga pose; my life on and off the mat is no longer filled with limitations. The fear and uncertainty may still be there but I know if I close my eyes and visualize, I can push through it just like I did with my headstand!

As for my wish for next year's word. Connect/Connection comes to mind. I have started saying "yes" to more things in an effort to connect. I'm noticing that instead of truly being in the moment and experiencing things it feels like I'm just going through the motions or trying to find a means to an end. So I want 2012 to be a year of connecting or reconnecting to people, places and things that are meaningful to me.

Day 1 Agama

So I have just finished 1 whole day of my personal spiritual journey in Mexico. There is so much already that i have seen & felt. It's an overload of sensory information. It is beautiful here…just ridiculously gorgeous. The beach is amazing. You can't really compare it to Grace Bay Beach because it is like night & day. The sand is soft but a dark brown; the water practically unswimmable because the waves are so high and the water is constantly changing direction. I jumped in for 20 minutes and when I got out I noticed i had been carried at least 100ft from my starting position without even realizing it. This area is so mountainous it feels like you are in the jungle. Like someone built a small town in the jungle by the beach. I want to take pictures; right down thoughts; document everything. But I also just want to be here and have the experience. I hope I can strike a good balance.

And of course, there is the yoga. So far it is a really beautiful place. The teachers Yogita & Wolfgang (yup…isn't that amazing!) are great at communicating the principles & meaning of yoga and surprisingly down to earth for yogis. I got some pretty sound advice from a fellow student who has already been here for 2 weeks. She said, "half of what you hear will change your life…the other half take with a grain of salt". I've already had a freakish experience during practice. We were in savasana (end of class relaxation; lying face up; eyes closed). All of a sudden I felt a warmth on my belly and realized someone had their hands on my stomach and with every breath was moving their hands in a half circle, rubbing my belly. It felt warm and comforting and great. I thought, this is a nice touch; the teacher is going to go around and do this to everyone..cool. And then I heard the teacher's voice coming from the front of class. It startled me because I thought, if he didn't have his hands on me, then who did. Noone, I cracked my eyes open and noone was there. Now I am a massage therapist. I believe in feeling energies and have often felt energy; as warmth & tingling and movement; in my hands. But I have never had such a vivid energetic feeling like the one I just described. So maybe I am opening myself to the power of this place and my own unrealized potential or I am going crazy. Stay tuned. Well it's time to start day 2 and start class. Until next time.

Be well.

*update* aarrgh! trying to upload pictures but we don't have the strongest internet in these parts so...it will have to wait for another day...